O.K. So I left out the comma between the words moist and butt in the title. Granted this makes it a little misleading as many of you undoubtably clicked on this article hoping to learn about a government conspiracy involving swamp-ass or, worse, soggy-anus. While I am in no way saying that Uncle Sam does not have some responsiblity in the aforementioned ailments, that is not what I’m here to discuss today.
Really, this post deals with the power of language and those that would subvert that power and bend it to their own world views. Many of you have probably never thought about the awesome power of words before and how they can be misused (depending on your point of view, of course) to create all sorts of hilarious and aggravating (for others) scenarios.
Take my jacket for example:
The jacket says on the back in big, neon green letters “Don’t Fuck Little Kids.” I find this to be a very important and positive message. Children are precious and nobody should ever touch a child in an inappropriate manner. People that do are completely fucked off and need to have their genitals slammed into a George Foreman Grill. More than once.
Perhaps it is the gigantic tricycle that sets folks off when I wear this? Maybe it is the fact that nobody is used to seeing the words “kids” and “fuck” in the same sentence. Whatever the reason, somebody ALWAYS falls for the inherent trap built into this fabulous garment. When that happens, a new victim of the power of language is born. It usually goes down like this:
Guy: “Whats up with that jacket you’re wearing?”
Me: “Nothing, why?”
Guy: “I don’t think that is a very appropriate thing to be wearing.”
Me: “Well I think that nobody should ever molest children. Kids are important and should be protected at all costs. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you some kind of pedophile? Get away from me you sick fuck.”
Dumbass falls for the trap…hook, line…and sinker. Bwahahahaha. I love it. Language is so powerful that you can take a good message and turn it into a weapon of fucked up insanity.
If you really want some entertainment, try inventing your own words or changing the meaning of current words. Don’t tell anybody that you have done this, just start using the word. If they ask, explain the meaning, but do it in a way that makes them feel like an idiot for not keeping up with the latest trend.
I have, for example, been using the word “Moist” in lieu of “Cool” for the last several years, as in “Damn, that new Symphony X album was fucking moist as fuck.” The interesting thing about this is that now others have begun to use the word moist in the same way. Awesome. The folks that encounter me on a regular basis will never be able to think about brownies, potting soil, or towlettes in the same way again. That’s fucking moist.
Obviously, disputes often arise over people choices in langauge usage. Opinions on this matter are just as numerous as opinion-holders.
Here is an interesting exchange about this subject matter that Muffin and I had during the long drive on our family vacation last month. I can not recall exactly what made me utter the phrase “Fuck a duck in the butt” but I did, indeed, say those words. Perhaps it was during the portion when I inexplicably began to drive in the wrong lane into oncoming traffic? Not sure. Regardless, I muttered that phrase, mostly under my breath, but loud enough to be heard by my significant other.
Muffin: “Hey now, we have a small child in the back.” (note: the backseat…not the trunk.)
I did not think that my horrid curse had been uttered loud enough to be heard in the back seat, but I offered up this great defense just the same.
Me: “She hears us say fuck all the time?”
Muffin: “I know…but we don’t say butt.”
Me: (blank stare…tying to process her previous statement)
Muffin: (with a straight face and a convincing matter-of-fact nod) “It’s…sexual.”
Me: (more blank, disbelieving stares. Becoming horribly confused. Waiting to wake up.)
Me: (finally) “Uhhh…let me get this straight. Fuck a duck is fine…but the minute we add the word butt to the sentence we have just crossed the line???”
This fine mess brought to you by the power of language.
It took awhile to actually get to the bottom of what was really being said here. Her point was that the word “fuck” could be used multiple ways that do not necessarily mean sex. When I say “Fuck bums, they suck” I am not advocating raping the homeless. Now if I were to say “Fuck bums in the butt, they suck” it instantly takes it to a more sexual level. This was her concern. The way it came off though, left me thinking that it was cool to advocate the missionary position for duck fucking in front of the children, but don’t you dare mention flipping it over for some doggy-style action…or else. That would be fowl. I can see how one would not want the words “fuck” and “butt” placed in the same sentence in front of kids, but for me… I would choose to remove the word “fuck” instead of “butt.” But that’s just me.
All that brings us to this lady. Here is the link:
I would love to sit down and have a meal with this lady some time. I can only dream about how long it would take to infuriate her to the point that she either died or fled the resteraunt in terror. Probably would not even have the drinks brought out to us before she would be long gone.
This woman knows about the power of language and wants to shield herself from the evils that it can wrought. She had begun to date an Irish fellow, when some of his language began to offend her. What the fuck was she thinking? Irish guys are born to drink, curse, and fight and they do all three rather well. This is like buying a pet fish and hoping that it won’t need to stay in the water.
Anyway, she really likes the guy despite his unfavorable word choices and so she takes him to dinner to talk about it. There are two words that she can not stand, two words that drive her to the brink of insanity and fury, two words so horrendous that she can not even say them (no…one of the words is NOT Voldemort). In fact, she hates these words so bad that she will not even speak them to tell her new boyfriend not to speak them.
She scrawls them on a napkin and passes them over to him like he was James Bond and she had just given him the nuclear missile disarmament codes.
So what were these two words?
“MOIST” and “BUTT”
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Holy shit.
Why can I never meet people like this? Apparently this bitch thinks words like “Fuck, cunt, whore, slut, mother-fucker, buttrape, cumjunkie, fisting, and munging” are great. How is munging less offensive than moist? Moist is LIKE a Little Debbie snack cake. Munging IS putting your mouth on the southmouth of a female corpse, having your friend get a running start and jumping on the stomach of said corpse so that you get a mouthful of corpse guts blasted out the rotting vagina. This woman is fine with that, but don’t you dare say “butt.”
So remember folks, langauge is powerful and fun too. The next time you are tempted to say cool…say moist instead. Maybe with a little luck it will ruin somebodies day.